You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
