why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Blood and glitter go together right?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
