just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
