is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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