No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
