and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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