mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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