opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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