so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
