he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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