my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
