so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
