...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
