So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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