I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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