i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
