I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
