Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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