Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
