this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
