Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
