do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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