I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
