saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Randomize
