I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
