This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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