Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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