i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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