why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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