He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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