I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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