A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
