i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
