You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
