i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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