you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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