allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
