i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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