i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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