Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
