TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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