Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
