Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
