Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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