i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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