hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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