I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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