The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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