i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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