Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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