how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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